Lusting for Love: Flirtations with the Kiss of Death

The title of this article is intended to have a double meaning. On the one hand, the basic meaning of “Lusting for Love” is an expression of how desperately we, as human beings, long to love others deeply, just as we long to be loved by others — i.e., deeply and unconditionally, as we really are. The desire for true love is an inexorable law of the human heart, insofar as it is built into our human nature by the Author of human nature. It is logical, after all, for we are created in the image of this Author, God, who is Love itself. Not only is God love itself, but He is also a Trinity of Persons Who love each other completely. God is a veritable community — the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit — all three of Whom have been giving and receiving an infinite amount of love from all eternity.

On the other hand, the title points to the human person’s frustrated desire for love, insofar as many people simply settle for lust, which is nothing less than a counterfeit substitute for authentic, life-giving love. Moreover, because many people do not really know the difference between lust and love, they equate real love with pseudo-love or lust. The subtitle, “Flirtations with the Kiss of Death,” speaks to the negative effects associated with settling for such a cheap substitute for genuine love. Instead of being life-giving — which is the ultimate result of true, authentic love — lust brings death, and other negative consequences, to the soul because it is the very opposite of the love we seek, and for which we were created. Lust is a “deadly” sin because, unlike love, which is selflessly life-giving, lust selfishly seizes the dignity of another.

Growing up, many of us were taught that it was important to avoid the “near occasions of sin,” in order to avoid sin itself. In fact, we were taught that intentionally entering into a “near occasion of sin” was itself a serious sin. This lesson, though, clarified that temptation itself is not a sin, since even Jesus was tempted. However, once we are tempted, and we begin to entertain the sin, we have now willfully entered the domain of sin. This article is an attempt to identify the deadly attitude of lust, and the ways in which this selfish attitude leads to other sins, as well as the ways to successfully master it.

What lust is . . . and what it is not

In several classroom discussions regarding morality, marriage, and love, it is common to hear some men ask, “Is it wrong to lust over my wife?” The simple answer, nicely clarified for us by the late St. John Paul II, is always going to be an unqualified “yes”! Lust is not simply noticing the beauty of another person, nor is it simply sexual attraction. Lust always involves the reduction of the human person (in this case, one’s wife) to simply an object — a merely useful tool that is only there for someone’s sexual gratification in the moment. The overall personhood of the wife, the fact that she is an “end in herself,” independent of the husband’s sexual desire at any given moment, is ignored, and even trampled upon. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) provides the following definition of lust: “Lust is the disordered desire for, or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes” (CCC 2351). Notice that the Catechism twice indicates that lust is “disordered.” By being disordered, lust is something that is not simply “out of the ordinary” or “disheveled” or “messy,” but rather “chaotic” — i.e., not respectful of the personhood of the other, and not conducive to the overall purpose of the human person, or society as a whole.

Christopher West, in his summary of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, gives us a succinct summary of the various ways in which true love distinguishes itself from the disordered attitude of lust, which is ultimately demeaning to the other. Some of these distinctions proceed as follows. While lust is “directed towards self-gratification,” true love (on the other hand) is oriented “towards self-donation.” While lust “treats others as objects,” true love “affirms others as subjects.” While lust “sees the body as something,” true love “respects the body as someone.” While lust “sacrifices others for oneself,” true love “sacrifices oneself for others.” While lust “enslaves us” to our sensual desires, true love “liberates us” for higher purposes and more noble intentions. While lust “manipulates and controls,” true love is happy to respect the freedom of others, and it can also rejoice in the good fortune of another. While lust aims for “any pleasing outlet,” true love reserves itself “for only one.” While lust “rejects suffering,” since it is only interested in the pleasurable satisfaction of the senses, true love “embraces suffering,” for it is motivated by the desire to foster an abiding relationship of “service, affection, and sacrifice.”¹

This need to sacrifice, and to perform acts of selfless donation, has its roots in the nature of the human person. In The Four Cardinal Virtues, the Thomistic philosopher Josef Pieper points to a “natural law” of the human heart which compels us to love God more than we love our very self! Within his treatment of both Justice and Temperance, Pieper argues that it is “natural” for the moral agent to transcend her natural desires for consummation and satisfaction for the purpose of “loving” the Person Whom, all along and in her “heart of hearts,” she has loved most of all. Certainly, there is an element of teleological ordination here, but it is a teleology which is ordered to transcendence, one that inclines the moral agent to love God more than her own self-interest. Here, during his analysis of the psychological abnormalities associated with the vice of intemperance, Pieper exhibits his solidarity with Jacques Maritain on this point:

It is a noteworthy fact — but who has ever called attention to it? — that almost all pathological obsessions, witnesses as they are to a disturbed inner order, belong to the sphere of temperantia: sexual aberrations as well as dipsomania, delusions of grandeur, pathological irascibility, and the passive craving of the rootless for sensations. All these petrifications of selfishness are accompanied by the despair of missing the goal striven for with such violent exertion of will — namely, the gratification of the self. In the nature of things, all selfish self-seeking is a desperate effort. For it is a natural, primal fact, prior to all human decision, that man loves God more than himself, and consequently that he must of necessity miss his very goal — himself — by following the ungodly, the “anti-godly,” path of selfishness.²

The perversion, then, of natural and legitimate self-interest is this “petrification of selfishness.” If taken far enough, this perversion leads to the despair of any form of final happiness or fulfillment. In its extreme form, Pieper refers to despair as the “anticipation of final nonfulfillment.” There is a certain irony involved in any overly selfish quest for personal satisfaction, including the satisfaction that lust seeks. Pieper believes that the irony lies within the frustration necessarily present in any quest to satisfy and to “fulfill” the self with “goods” other than the “Good” which the moral agent actually loves more than herself! For, at the end of any unreasonable quest for selfish satisfaction, the human person is only left with ultimate dissatisfaction and final nonfulfillment!

So . . . “yes,” is the answer to the question, “is it wrong to lust over my wife.” It is most certainly wrong to lust over one’s spouse because lust sees the person that you love as an object merely for one’s sensual gratification. Lust is not to be confused with sexual attraction or the desire to be intimate. Lust is a purely selfish disposition toward another person. Sexual attraction to one’s spouse and a desire to be intimate is appropriate, “orderly,” and not “disordered.”

A Quick Biblical Glance

The question of whether a man can look lustfully at a woman is addressed by Jesus in Matthew’s Gospel. The word “lust” occurs eight times in the New Testament, and only once in the Gospels. One occurrence of the word lust in the Gospels is found on the lips of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. In Matthew 5:27–28 we read, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (RSV-CE) Jesus doesn’t abolish the Mosaic prohibition against adultery; rather, He gives it its deepest meaning. Adultery is sinful, but no one can commit adultery if lust were not already in his heart. Therefore, the disorder of lust in the heart, which is a sin of thought, leads to a disordered act, namely, adultery.

Pope John Paul II addressed this passage and his interpretation caused many in the media to question whether the pope was condemning sex even in marriage. But Christopher West explained the pope’s comments. He writes, “When Christ speaks of committing adultery in the heart, it is significant that he does not refer to a woman who is not the man’s wife. He simply refers to woman generically. As John Paul states, ‘Adultery “in the heart” is not committed only because the man “looks” in this way at a woman who is not his wife, but precisely because he looks in this way at a woman.’ He thus concludes: ‘Even if he were to look in this way at the woman who is his wife, he would commit the same adultery “in the heart.” ’ ”³ In other words, Pope John Paul II is not saying that sex in marriage is sinful, he is saying the man should never reduce his wife to simply an object that will satisfy his sensual desires. In so doing, he is not seeing her as a whole person, but merely a desirable object. To see one’s spouse only as a body, and to look at her in a lustful way, is a way of objectifying the spouse; it is the reduction of the marital act to mere sexual gratification. Ultimately, it is a failure to honor the beauty inherent in the sacrament of marriage, and to see one’s spouse as she really, and truly, is: a whole person, body and spirit, a being destined for immortality.

Why is Lust Such a Big Deal?

Those who suffer from an addiction to pornography, and various other sexual aberrations, must remember that the root problem is not the pornography, masturbation, adultery, etc. These are simply manifestations of the deeper, root problem of lust. There is no acting out with pornography or masturbation without the prior succumbing to the power of lust. After all, there would not be any adultery, or visits to strip clubs/“massage” parlors, without the domination of lust over the acting person. The prevalence of lust is the motivating cause that initiates all forms of sexual aberrations. As a result, the surrender to lust becomes only the first sin in a series of sins. As Fr. John Hardon explained, “Sexual perversion leads to every other kind of vice. As modern psychology shows, once a person becomes addicted to sex indulgence, nothing is sacred to him. No law is too holy, and no mandate is too binding not to be broken by one who is enslaved by the flesh (Rom. 1:28–32).”⁴ So, the surrender to lust is the root of the problem that must be eradicated if one is to overcome the multiplicity of sins that flow out of it.

The problem with the surrender to lust goes even deeper. Its roots spread out to other parts of our lives that are not even sexual in nature. Because lust is focused on self-gratification, lust makes it difficult to have normal, healthy relationships with other people. This phenomenon is particularly true for people who feel inferior, inadequate, or alone. People who feel disconnected from others seek to connect in disordered ways. The surrender to lust leads to sins such as pornography and masturbation, which are, by their very nature, isolating. The person enslaved to lust does not intend to be isolated. In fact, the very opposite is true. As mentioned earlier, we all by our very nature, seek to both give and receive love. But the power of lust tricks people into seeking ways to connect with others that, in reality, isolate them. Because lust and fantasy take a person out of reality, it makes it very difficult for the lustful person to have a truly intimate relationship. Even beyond an intimate relationship, a person addicted to lust has difficulty with any other real relationship because of their enslavement to lust, for they have become addicted to what is unreal and disordered. This same destructive phenomenon applies in their relationships with family, coworkers, friends, and any person unfortunate enough to get in the way of their sensual satisfactions. Lust always begins with disordered appetites, and it always leaves chaos in its wake.

Practical Strategies for Combatting Lust

Since lust is essentially an overtly selfish attitude, intent on “taking” something from someone that we find attractive or “lust-worthy,” even the quickest glance may satisfy the “lust slave.” Since lust is passionately intent on “taking” from someone, an effective way of breaking free from this enslavement is to reverse the psychological dynamic: focus on giving (self-donation) rather than taking (self-gratification). In other words, when encountering an attractive person (not an image), who might be an “occasion for lust,” one should strive, instead, to give something to that person, without taking (consuming) a second glance. One, very effective, way of giving is to immediately pray for the real happiness of the person that I am tempted to objectify in that moment. How can I give and how should I pray? There are several ways to pray for that person, so that we are giving to them, rather than taking from them.

First, pray for that person to be “purified and healed.” Every one of us has wounds on our souls, and impurities of heart that unreasonably desire something other than what God has prescribed for us. In asking God to purify and heal the person whom we might be tempted to objectify, we are simultaneously asking that the self-same spiritual healing will come to us as well.

Second, pray for that person “to come to know and love God.” This type of prayer should be the goal of every prayer attempt, whether one realizes it or not. God has placed within our human natures a thirsting heart, that desires to possess its true, deepest love (God) for all eternity. To offer this prayer for another person is one of the greatest spiritual works of mercy. It is a recognition that both you and the other person are children of God, on the same journey toward heaven, toward the possession of the human heart’s greatest love.

Third, pray that God may protect them from all attacks of the enemy. In the first prayer, we recognize that each of us has wounds which need healing. In the second prayer, we recognize that the person we were once willing to objectify is also a child of God, and not worthy of being treated as an object; instead, they are a brother or a sister who both seeks and needs God. This third prayer for protection recognizes that Satan knows the wounds and weaknesses of our soul, as well as the souls of those whom we encounter. So, when we are most tempted to give in to the power of lust, we should offer a prayer of protection for them, as a generous gift: it is an act of selfless giving rather than an act of selfish taking.

Fourth, pray that God may bless all their works. Our work is a noble task. But some of our work is better than others, and there is a certain satisfaction that comes in knowing that we have done something virtuous. So, to ask God to bless the work of another that is in conformity with God’s will, is really asking God to give that person the same satisfaction and joy that comes with our own daily labors. This type of prayer is a truly charitable way of relieving the other from the drudgery of monotony or fruitlessness.

Lastly, pray that God may bless all of their good human relationships. With this prayer, we ask for spiritual companions, guides, and mentors for that person, throughout their lives. It also asks for God’s intervention, when appropriate, to break relationships that are leading this person away from God, either through word or actions.

In each of these ways of praying for those we might be tempted to objectify through lust, we are giving to them spiritually, rather than taking from them. We act in a way that is exactly the opposite of where lust would lead us — for the way of unbridled lust seeks only its own pleasure and makes others merely useful.

Aside from immediately praying for the one we might be tempted to objectify, it is also important to note that our own prayer lives must be in order. Quite simply, whether your sin is lust or not, there is no salvation without prayer. Simply asking God to guard your thoughts in a morning offering, and examining your conscience at night, is a good start. We should also sit with God, for He is the Divine Physician, Who can strengthen our will, bring peace, and heal those wounds on our soul. For it is precisely these wounds that prompt us to seek false cures in the world and the flesh. Anxiety and chaos feed lust, while sitting in God’s presence, reading His Word, and conversing with Him calm the soul.

Also, if lust is your problem, it always helps to nourish your sacramental life. While attending Mass on Sundays is a minimum, it helps to receive spiritual nourishment in the Eucharist more often. Likewise, frequent use of confession not only forgives our sins, but also gives us the grace to overcome them as well. Many spiritual directors recommend monthly confession. Padre Pio called confession “the soul’s bath,” and he said that we should go at least once a week. He gave the analogy that we can dust a room, but if we return to that room in a week, we will see that it needs dusting again.

There are no easy and quick fixes to human nature’s frequent enslavement to lust. For many, it may be a lifelong struggle. But the first step in defeating lust is to take it seriously and not to say that “it’s only normal.” Sin may be “frequent,” but it should never be acceptable in the life of a Christian. It should be noted that the spiritual advice given here only constitutes the initial steps in knowing and achieving victory over your enemy. The rest is gained by the experience of fighting, failure, and fighting some more.